Cherry Raises Hell

It’s past 1am on Monday morning. I am still in no where near home. I took out my ipod, and tune in myself to Sonic Youth. My favorite songs are in the album of Murray Street, but I play the songs from Dirty. From Dirty to Murray Street, it’ll take another 1 hour. If I really have to ride that long, at least there’ll be a treat in the end.

Normally, I work in the massage place from 10 to 10. Before I left today, there was one call that went way beyond normal. I was about to leave. For being polite for the whole day, I felt like to let the evil side of me coming out. I smocked the man, and knew that he wouldn’t know I was just making fun of him. Apparently, I went too far. I should have left the shop before 11:30, but I didn’t. My little trick eventually set back on me. I missed my last train. I have no idea about how far it is from the station to my apartment. I know by train or by car, it’ll take about 40 minutes. And for a 5 kilometers road, it’ll take me about 25 minutes to ride. To call taxi is the first thought came to me, but it’s not Taipei. The taxi cost will equal to my half day salary. Today is bf’s family day. To call him is the least thing I want to do. I am not sure whether my roommate Vincent can or would like to come to pick me up, then to think about riding back home becomes a possible solution. Why not? I will never do it again, or if I feel good about the ride, maybe next year I could really go on Silk Road again by bike (It’s just a thought, don’t get too excited, Andi).

 

It’s scary for the first thirty minutes. I am not sure where exactly I am. Cottesloe should be really close, but it takes over 30 minutes to ride. Once in a while, there are crazy drivers shouting hues at me. This behavior is under my expectation. Maybe I should ask Paul if he gets the same reaction when riding on the bike (No, he didn’t). It happens to me so often that I just accept it as it is without understanding what kind of psychology status it is. I am feeling very tired, some doubts about myself, about the decisions I make –not only about this certain ride, but many other decisions I make in my life that I have doubts about floating up. I am retorting myself in a bitter way, and some conversations I just had with Jialu and with Thomas come up. About self identifications, about that dimly (or maybe worse – illusionary) goal we have in life, about to have fun and live at present or to suffer and have hope in the future, about how to seize that dream when nothing is certain in hands. All the things we always ask and can never stop asking, especially in a night like this – dark, can’t see through, don’t know what is waiting ahead, how long it’ll be, exhausted, that comes after a long awkward day.

 

After about one and a half hours, the tiresome disappears. I am getting closer to the city as I can see the skyscrapers in downtown Perth. The first morning I was in Perth, Martyn took me for coffee on King’s Street. He said he thought Perth is just like one of those American Midwestern cities in Texas – on the totally flat desert, the tall buildings suddenly erect in the center. I said to him that there is no Tiffany or Louise Vintton in those cities. I don’t know why, but I always have to be the smart ass to him. But since then, every time I go to some place else and come back to Perth, this image is always the picture comes to my mind. The railway in Subiaco goes underground. I can’t follow the railway, but luckily I remember the direction vaguely. It’s already past 1am. The relaxing laid-back and cheerful streets in Subiaco are totally in serenity. It’s beautiful to ride through the casually well elaborately designed shop windows. I feel like a discreet night knight. When I find the railway again, I stop myself, grab my breath back, take out my ipod, and turn on the music.In life, I feel well. Both bosses of my jobs like me, they used the same word “comfortable” to describe me. I am well enough to care about other people, be patient enough to other people’s sufferings. This is always a big sign of how good I am feeling about myself. In another conversation with Mina few weeks ago, she asked me if I still want to go back to arts administration works. I had no idea. I said I still have about a year to think about it, do I have to make decision now? She gave me the nodding smiley face on MSN, as if she is the elder wise guru nodding to the silly disciple. The encouragement from working partners is always a big boost to keep me going. The thought bothered me is I can actually be a good worker in any jobs. Does it have to be art? Strangely enough, or maybe it’s never strange, about one or two weeks later, I came back home, with the very certain answer in my heart, yes, it has to be art. That’s what I really have passions in doing. I felt hurt, exhausted, frustrated, angry, because I loved. I cared about how things gent, how high profile or satisfied the related events and people could be, how people deemed me. I am still me. I am always the person who care about things and take job seriously, and that’s what both bosses like about me. But, hey, if I really always think about just living for another 15 years, I have to live with passions. To live now, live in reality, to see things, to observe, to absorb, to close up myself a little bit, then to rehab, to build up full strength, to be confident, to be calm. It cannot be searched anywhere else but in myself. I don’t come to Australia for answers. But I come here, because it allows me time, and these needs need time to realize.

 

Eventually I enter city Perth. The Hong Kong style tea houses are still opened. I want to enter, have some quick snack. In Taipei, after a crazy night out in Luxy, my friends and I often go to the HK dim sim restaurant for late night early morning supper. The yellow light from the tea houses is very tempting, but I can’t stop now. If I stop, I will never want to carry on. Every rotation of the wheel, I am getting closer to home. I start to have a very positive feeling. As if it’s ok that I don’t really know about where to go, which direction to take, how to get there…., as long as I keep walking (or riding), I will get there, and there will be something…, there. (Am I just copying Murakami Haruki’s “What I Talk About When I Talk About Running”)

I arrive home at 2:15. Our room is dark, but there are still people in the living room. I come in, feel more than coming back home happy to see the faces of Vincent and Fanny. “I rode all the way back from Fremantle, I feel I can knee down anytime on the floor.” I exclaim with my last strength. Fanny approaches me, gives me big hugs while Vincent says “You are beating up my records, I think your story will be one of the legends here.” I feel it’s funny, but can’t really laugh – too tired. I am sure I won't want to do it again, but, I feel proud that I made it.

It’s a strange year.
I started with dearest friends, will end with strangers alone down south.
I started as single but waited for it to happen; it happened with other, but ended again.
I started with plans, the plans have been shifted, modified, and they’re no more my original plans.
It’s a fruitful year, but I can’t say it’s an over-all happy year, yet a sad year.
The changes, modifications, and unexpectations are still waiting ahead. Three weeks ago, when I started to write the remark about the passing year, I looked back to my note written two years ago which said I don’t feel there are any things to look forward to. At the point I felt so happy that this phase has passed, there were things I expected and willed to make it happen, yet, it’s a too big dream.
Below is the words I started to write since three weeks ago. Again, life just always has to run to a direction that I didn’t really want it to go, but maybe I have always known it’ll turn out as it is now.
January
This is the best New Year I have ever had. I had it with my best friends, the friends I valued, the friends I like. Counting down in the crowds, sincerely hugging, greeting to everyone, and made wishes. I wish to leave people and things that will draw me to the dark side, I wish to walk on a gentle and honest path firmly.
February
My best friend Yafan was married this month. The card her husband wrote to me said that between her and me, there is the unseparatable compassion and history, and he wants to build the compassion and history from day to day. I look up to everyone who can make this commitment, and sincerely wish that at the moment they bury the love seed into the soil, and someday they will have the joy to sit under the tree and share every little second they pass together.
I went to the temple. It’s my opposite transit year. I made the wish that I am not going to get close to the people I shouldn’t, and I will be responsible to every decision that I made.
In the end of this month, I met my German for the first time.
March
I spent almost everyday with Thomas until he left Taiwan in the end of the month. At the beginning, I thought about maybe our relationship would stop by the time he returned to his country. But the longer I was with him, the more I cared, and the more lovable he was. I didn’t know what awaiting ahead, but I felt fulfilled now.
April
It’s a quiet April. Work was under control, love relationship was blooming well.
May
I am 30.
I have always thought if life tortured me too bad, then I will just want to live till 45 y.o., the rest doesn’t matter anymore. Then I have passed 2/3. But at the moment, it’s actually not bad. I could start to count down the last 100 days I was going to leave the job, many things started to become certain and settled. I am enjoying this moment.
I was volunteering at Taipei Artist Village’s project of the new mail bride’s community. As I have been in interracial relationship for years, this is a subject I am interested. I don’t see myself too different from them. If we are lucky (or unlucky), we may live in a total foreign country, speak (or not speak) the foreign language, supported (or not supported) by supposedly lifetime partner. I just have always wished that if this is going to be my life, I will not become an isolated island and no one should be. With some little assistance, I wish to make these foreign brides feel there is someone out there, and secretly I hope there is gotta to be someone out there for me.
June
I met Thomas in Munich. To think it back, except Berlin, I like Munich the most among all the German cities. We had very good time there, we had laughter all the time. It’s rosy and sunny.
July
I met Mark in Taipei.
It’s funny to see how life has turned us around. He seemed to be happy, a new girlfriend was on the way. We have always been special to each other, and came to each other’s lives in the lowest time. Again, it seemed to be a good year for us so far, the bad burdens were leaving, and the new hopes are coming.
However, work was getting busy, I felt like to scream.
August
I think I fulfilled the impossible mission at work.
It’s really not about how great the work result was (of course it’s good). But it’s about I do receive good recognition professionally and personally. Be quiet, walk steadily on every step, the final line is there, and just receive the cheering modestly.
September
So the trip started.
As I said in the other blog, we planned the silk road trip for over 15 years. But only Aggie was able to go with me. I really appreciated her company and went with me for the first part of the trip. Then here I was, from China to Europe. There are still a lot going on in my brain, and I still cannot just spell out my feelings so far. I wish to absorb as much as possible.
Then I was having a day to day life with Thomas in end of September.
October
I was almost starting to feel bad as people asked me: “so what were you doing in Germany?” and I said: “nothing, just to have a life.” Then I could see a puzzled light swept through asking: so what did you have before here?
Yes, I had a life, maybe more than one that turned me around like a crazy spinning tornado. I need to break away in order to breath.
I was also living with Thomas for these two months. It’s the first time I was staying with someone so close. I don’t know what’s going to happen, and I don’t want to put too much pressure on pushing things to happen. In real life, there are just so many questions can’t be answered, the problem or challenge for me is whether I can live as if I am reading a book written in foreign language, and wait for the answer unfolds to me?
November
So I left Germany. Still with great amount of uncertainty, but are there anything we can really count on?
I have also met Martyn in Perth. There was a time I thought I could never see him again, but we managed out. Even with the awkward moments, we did it well. Isn’t it the old saying again? Friendship will never disappear.
December
Thomas and I broke up.
I can’t find myself blaming him. I remember how I was when I was younger and I sympathize his situation, no matter how I personally feel about the result. And again, I can’t change anything, I could just swallow it quietly and hang on there.
I moved in to a common community to work on a vineyard. Big life lesson for me is never buy a big house in the countryside – I can’t deal with insects, and I am no good at cleaning either.

I should say something about my new year revolution, but I am back to the mode two years ago – I don’t see anything to look forward to, but just keep going.

The ghost festival ritual workshop we(OISTAT) organized -

The video that I edited for the event above -

And about my trip -